September 13th, 2009

Jones Party Hat

God, it's been a lovely day

Major drama today. A relationship that I'm not really in or out of figurative bitchslapped me today, so I spent the better part of the morning watching Courtney Love music videos. I know that basically no one likes her, but she's amazing. Well, it wasn't the best thing for me to do, because I used to emo the hell out while listening to her stuff. So I took off for a few hours. Came back, hopped on MySpace, and Damian's there, saying that he loves me and that he can give me anything I'll ever need.

The thing is, he can't. He can't make me feel anything. That's just something I'll do on my own, but I don't know how to get the feeling I want. I know what I want: I want to feel completely taken. I'm really tired of being the prince that saves the damsel from the tower. I'm really sick of it. I, for once, want to be the maiden in the tower across the fucking fields of dragons and dangerous pointy shit. I want someone to come and rescue ME, as opposed to me going to help who the fuck ever needs it.

While doing my little walk, an idea occurred to me. It's a terribly fucking lonely idea, but it works. "No one is coming to your rescue. So march the fuck out of your tower and go tell those knights and maidens to go screw off. Don't save any of them. Fuck saving." It's fucking lonely, but it will work. It just needs TIME to work. I'm too used to trying to take care of everyone and I need to get used to the idea of, "Live for yourself." 

Bri is another matter entirely. I love her, but I can't always be her cheerleader and therapist. She needs to get that, along with the fact that sometimes I need someone to cry my little eyes out on. Not all the time, but when I need it, I fucking need it or I go into this little spiral of, "Uhrrrr.... Don't talk to me, I'm fucking sad." 

Why am I even thinking about any of this? I'm not getting a PhD in feeling terrible about myself or relationship status. I'm here to go to school, get bitchin' grades and get a job.